Ambiguity

I feel asleep last night, like most nights since I’ve been away from Buenos Aires, feeling a sense of loss, looking over to the empty pillow next to me and sensing that “change” and “another dimension” are words which describe me now. Every moment, breath, event always affects oneself – but I have encountered things in these last few weeks – and mainly from June-July, that have jolted me out of my self entirely. As I return back to my ghostlike self, I can sense the normalcy of habitual patterns and calmness, but it is not the same. Nor will it ever be. Nor does it need to be.

I write now, able to finally bring myself into my time in Argentina and my time post-Argentina, finally to reflect a bit more, and to sit for more than an hour in one place – something quite impossible to do in Buenos Aires, with all that seemed to go on in my life there. So, this summer, which seems to be increasingly shorter than I thought, I will – instead of staring at walls, gardens, ceilings, and stars, open my notebook and re-read the words I scribbled during my time in South America, and the final years of my “youth-hood”.

A scary thought, that I am now 21 years old, and of course feel at the same time a young girl and a young woman. I don’t believe that will ever change.

This year I experienced:

A new language, a new culture (a few in fact), new dances such as break dancing and tango, new friends – from the U.S. (even my own UMASS) and from all over the world,  a new lover, a new kind of pain, a new kind of living, and a new way to breathe.

All in all, there were no regrets, only enjoyment and learning. I embrace the highs and the lows, I embrace it all.

 

I can’t wait to go on living and see what it has in store for me. But I will say this. I must strive to be pro-active. Waiting takes out all the fun.

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